Monday, April 23, 2007

Stream of Consciousness At 6am.

Stayed up all night again. Sleep has been coming and going in very odd patterns lately, I'm mostly nocturnal and it's kind of funny because now the sun's up for so much longer, so by the time I get tired in late afternoon it's still beautiful outside and I feel guilty for sleeping.

My motivational level is at an all-time low and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I know that I have x, y, and z to do and that it'll take me 18+hours to do it all, and most of it's due, in a polished form, by Wednesday. I know that there's no logical way I'm going to be able to finish all of my homework, I've known all weekend that every hour I spent procrastinating was another hour later I'd have to stay up on Tuesday night, and possibly a few classes to skip on Monday. As if I can afford to skip another class. I really shouldn't, but I've lost the energy it takes to get up and walk out the door.

I should probably go lay in the sun for a bit. Maybe it would help. I miss Mexico insanely right now, and I can't help thinking that I don't even remember last semester because it went by so fast but all I remember of this one is being too busy to enjoy anything and missing places I'll probably never see again. I can't help but think that I'm on a one-way track to nowhere if I continue my education and employment here in the US and want to get the heck out, but there's nowhere to go. Canada's too close for comfort, despite free health care and a few friends already there. Mexico's no better than we are, they're having all kinds of political trouble and Americans tend to be wide-open targets for crimes in most areas. Finland sounds nice, haha... but I can't even afford to buy a coffee in Euros right now, with the dollar so low (and my bank account even lower, paying the rent this month will be next to impossible, and we still owe that $130 garbage fee have been putting off paying since January in hopes we'd be left alone).

I'm starting a garden, another one of my silly half-assed "this is going to make me look and feel productive!" projects. It's going to be a container garden, on the porch, which means I'll probably forget about it for weeks at a time this summer. Speaking of summer, I have no plans except the library so far, I'm not very interested in finding another job even though money will be very very very tight if I don't. I'm hoping for slightly more hours this summer than I've had this semester, and keeping my eyes open for a job that doesn't involve getting 3 references and fingerprinting. (.pdf file)

I'm sick and tired of life here. I don't have a productive job and my homework is seeming far more meaningless than usual, which is bad considering how little I usually think homework means. My classes aren't really that interesting. I want to go outside and start taking nature courses again, or something. Maybe I should have been a bio major. Hah.

I'm not sure whose expectations I'm trying to meet any more. My own are so half-formed and changing that I frustrate myself every time I try to think about what I really expect of myself. I know I don't really want to live up to my friends' expectations of me because as cool as my friends are, their expectations are not who I really am. I'm just not sure why or how I'm different.

Rick bought a BB pistol and I'm going to start shooting targets in the yard, if I ever actually get away from the computer. I think I should know how to shoot, just in case. Even a BB can hurt like hell at close range.

My wrist has developed a phantom itch. I'm allergic to cheap metal, but I haven't been wearing a watch for months, since my beautiful xmas gift broke and I haven't had the time nor money to get the strap replaced. Still, my left wrist has a few small bits of rash on it just like the ones that I get when I wear cheap metal, and it itches occasionally. The only thing I can think is that the skin's irritated from resting on the edge of my keyboard shelf. It's fake wood. I can't figure out why it'd make me itch unless there's some chemical in it. Either way I can't do much about it so I'm going to leave it alone and go do some more laundry so I have clean pants to wear to class this morning.

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