Well, today was bad. Just not good. As the start of my experience week it's really not looking positive, and all I can think is that if the rest of the week goes this badly I'll quit. For one thing, I didn't have my center activities done (something I intend to remedy as soon as I can tonight) and that made the kids less than agreeable during private reading time (which despite its name is really "get up and socialize" time, unless they're kept busy with work instead of being left to read -_-). For another thing, I was supervised today.
My supervisor never tells me when he's going to show up, which means that preparing for him being in the classroom never happens. I never have extra materials to give him and my desk (which he happily seats himself at, to my annoyance whenever I have to reach under his briefcase for papers) is always messier than I'd like it to be. Today was classically bad and since he's never seen me on a sparkling, shiny, happy, good day, he has come to the conclusion that I'm not doing so well as a teacher. My coop doesn't think I'm doing so great either. Currently, my grade is maybe a high C - pretty unacceptable for a student who is supposed to be leaving the classroom for an environmental science center in 10 days. And my supervisor told me today that he doesn't think I'll make it.
In other words, I'll probably be "asked" (read: forced under penalty of failing) to stay at the school all semester while I improve, because I'm not making improvements fast enough, however steady said improvements are, to keep up with, let alone surpass the other students in the building. And since they'll be here all semester and I won't, I'm supposed to be doing twice as well as they are.
I feel like a failure. I admit I think I'm over my head because I have had to move so fast through this but the science center was what was keeping me from losing it the last few weeks, because I don't think I can stand to spend another 8 weeks in a classroom. I'm not planning on being a teacher; I don't expect to get a teaching job fresh out of IUP especially not if my grade in student teaching is a B or worse. I won't be able to compete. I don't want to compete. I just want a decent sub position until I can get my masters' and move on to a quiet little library somewhere. They're treating this as if I was going to spend the next 30 years of my life in a classroom and need to do all my improving right now... and I want to tell them that no, actually, I'm only in this until I graduate, but thanks for the advice anyway and I'll try to do my best till I leave.
Except that at my best I'm still a disorganized, under confident, quiet little nothing who's too nice to the kids some days and too bitchy on others and I can't seem to keep them quiet (although the coop can't keep them quiet either, it's not always me). I'm frustrated and I'm worried that I'm going to be told that I can't go to McKeever, even if I try my hardest the next two weeks. My supervisor has already pretty much made up his mind, so I'm working against that as well - he's just not optimistic about my future. And right now, neither am I. I'm lost and I'm horrified that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough to get to where I really need to be.
Oh, honey, this brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry. I wish you had called me. And I wish I could take you in my arms and hold you and tell you everything would be alright. Well, I still believe that everything will work out. When we talk I am always so amazed at how much you know about what you are doing. Sometimes it is hard to put what you know into practice what you know. But you will get there. I am sure of it. It's important to think about your successes. Remember what a good counselor you were and the kids always like you. I think McKeever would be the best thing for you and you'll be in your element, but if you end up staying in the classroom, so be it. Just do your best and learn all you can. If it's any consolation, I talked with Anna Marie Miller today and Stephanie is having a hard time student teaching also. She is sooo stressed out right now. I hope the rest of the week went better. I'll call you.
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