Thursday, April 10, 2008

Nowhere, really.

You're probably wondering (or not) where I've disappeared to since the last upheaval. Well, nowhere really.

Actually, that line sums up how I feel about the place my life is going right now. I have the paperwork to change my major to General Studies; I have 2 out of 3 classes registered for this summer off the "suggested" list pulled up by the Dean of the department (none of them my top choices, as those were either not listed or filled up before I could even contact the professors about erasing the damned SOC 151 pre-requisite that ALL the suggested classes had); I have a cleaner apartment (slightly) and my socks are sorted.

I even managed to really annoy the girl in charge of our senior class commencement preparations at the HC, by 1) missing a photo appointment back at the beginning of March, 2) not checking my e-mail last week and so missing the opportunity to take and send in a picture of myself when she asked the first time (on Monday) and threatened to take a picture off Facebook, and 3) not giving her any reason or excuse for my lack of e-mail checking or photo, but simply sending in a huge high-res photo of myself taken just today for the very purpose of going in the brochure, with a note: "I hope this is acceptable." Granted I didn't have internet access yesterday or the day before, due to a faulty (read: decades old and falling apart) cable line and/or dead modem which the very nice Comcast guy spent an hour or so fixing, replacing, and grumbling about this morning. Still, I know I'm not being exactly polite by not groveling and offering excuses and being terribly sorry for all the fuss. I just can't really bring myself to care about graduation, since after all, I am taking three more classes this summer, so it's not like the ceremony really signifies anything except the countdown to having to pay off my student loans. And yet, despite all my little accomplishments, I don't have much of a big goal any more.

I'm not feeling very sure about where I'm going with my life at this point. I mean, yes, I'm sure I'll go to a grad school somewhere, and get some kind of degree related to books. I'm sure at some point we'll actually find enough money or a kind enough loan officer to get ourselves a house. I'm almost sure we might have kids some day, which does give me a little something to look forward to, if only because I'll be able to train them to annoy the living daylights out of the idiots around them and run circles around their classmates in school. But job prospects for budding librarians are hardly widespread, which dampens any enthusiasm I had for house-hunting and wedding plans, and I've decided quite firmly against going into any kind of work that involves "customer service" from the point of "you serve the customer and don't you dare look for any respect for this position" (ie. retail, food service, anything related to office work, phonathon caller, babysitter, teaching... wait a minute, are there ANY jobs people respect any more?) so my available job market has slimmed down to almost nothing. I really shouldn't be picky you say, since I'm only 22 with no "real" job skills and everyone had to enter on the first floor of the job market, etc... but shouldn't I be able to say "look, I don't want to be put down and belittled and paid less than I feel my time is worth"? I've had quite enough of that already, thank you, and I'm ready to be treated like I'm actually of value to whatever employer I find myself with. Or at least I'd like to find a place where I can accomplish something, however little that something might be, for myself. I like setting my own goals, or at least feeling like working toward someone else's goal is helping me somewhat... and being able to ask "would you like fries with that?" is not my idea of a lifetime achievement.

I have a tentative part-time position lined up for this summer as a gardener for the Honors College residence hall and the current HC President's home, which sounds a lot better than sitting in an over-air-conditioned office building and will probably pay just as well. I can deal with plants and I know my work will be appreciated. The flowers aren't going anywhere, just like me. They just sit and sun themselves all day... which reminds me of a poem that I'm feeling rather partial to right now:

I wish I was a little rock,
A-sittin' on the hill,
A-doin' nothin' all day long
Except just sittin' still.

I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep,
I wouldn't even wash.
I'd sit and sit a thousand years
And rest myself, by gosh.

(Thanks, Dad, for reciting that one to me as a kid). I'm not sure who wrote it, but I'd like to go nowhere and do nothin' all day long for a while. Some days, sorting the socks just isn't worth it.

Back to the idea of my future, summer jobs don't mean full-time employment, and I'm rather unhappy about the prospect of finding a more "permanent" position, since the only ones I can think of related to my major seem to be child care or... well, the local library. And while I do like taking care of, teaching, and otherwise interacting with children, I don't like doing it while being told I'm not allowed to punish, chide, look down upon, be annoyed with or otherwise do anything "negative" in the presence of My Darling Little Angel Who Would Never Do Anything Wrong. So I guess I'll go bug the librarians about a position... here's hoping there's something open, and that they'll hire me without the MLS degree.

At least my gardening is going well... I've "tilled" my little pots of soil and started the jalapeƱo peppers, beans and peas indoors. The peas after a week are already 2" tall in some of the pods and ready to be brought outdoors - a surprise, but a pleasant one. I guess I can take solace in the fact that at least my garden will bear fruit this year.


  1. As cliche as it may sound I'm sure that, like a compass left to its own devices, there will be some arrow somewhere pointing in some direction that will ultimately be the thing you really really want to do. Besides, what can go wrong if you have the *opportunity* to think about new homes and weddings? If only I were given the chance! If you've got to start somewhere in life I must say I'm rather envious of where you stand (heck, as an I-20 foreign student I can get booted out of this country for the lack of a stupid signature! I can't even get a decent job here without a stupid H-1 visa which no one apparently gets unless one finds oneself in the corporate banking world, which I have absolutely *no* interest in.)

  2. Heh, thanks for the encouragement. I hadn't thought that you were hanging by such a thin thread there with the visa... I think you've got far more courage than I do though; I wouldn't make it a few months in a foreign country (no matter how much I whine about wanting to go live in Mexico) and you've been here for years, and are getting along very well, or so it seems from your blog (which I do occasionally stop by and read still :p). I hope you can find a good job either here or abroad... it's always nice to find a place where you feel like you belong. :)