Sunday, September 26, 2004
I tend to title a lot of my blog entries with *sigh* or "meh" or something blah along those lines. Seems when I blog I'm either bored out of my mind, incredibly depressed or jumping out of my chair with joy.
Looks like this is my new home. I'll show it to Jane, and Allison (she'll appreciate that I'm posting in a blog again and not censoring 'cause of dad) and to Rick, though maybe not right away. I think for now this will be what his blog is.. basically a message board to a few people. It's not meant for the world to see.
My first message isn't a good one, unfortunately. And I wish I could say it a different way, but Jane, you'll understand I hope. I'm just not good at leading into this kind of thing, I hate just coming out and saying it, but it's so hard to say something like "We need to talk"...
Anyway, I'll just get it out of the way.
No more kissing. On the cheek, or elsewhere. No more long hugs, no walking around holding hands... I can't. Not only has Rick admitted that it still bothers him, but Laura's begun to tell me some of it could be 'dangerous' and she's surprised I'd do it when I have a boyfriend. And honestly, I feel guilty about it sometimes. So I can't keep pretending it's all okay...
I'm sorry. When Rick tells me it hurts to see us with our arms around each other, that he feels like I'm disregarding what he first told me about this, it makes me feel like I've betrayed his trust. I hate myself for that and I have to stop.
It's not that I like you any less but I'm more comfortable just being friends. I don't want to lose a friend like you over something like this... but I don't want to lose Rick either. He's the one person I love most in this world and I'm not going to let him slip away.