Thursday, December 25, 2008

And to all, a good night.

Well, Merry Christmas. Rick worked last night so I stayed up till 1 all by myself, then slept till 5 and got up again to welcome him home at 6. Then back to bed till 10, and up to feed the pets and survey the apartment. I cleaned some of the kitchen yesterday; today will be the bathroom and maybe the bedroom while I finish the laundry. At least I can give us the gift of a clean house this year. He works again tonight, 10pm to 6am. At least we'll have time for dinner before he goes.

When I got up at 5, it was all quiet and dark like it used to be when we were little and would get up to check our stockings before mom and dad were awake. Out of some last upwelling of childhood hope I went to the living room as though there would somehow be a tree there all lit up and sparkling. Of course, the only lights were the LEDs from the speakers and computer. Christmas has entirely lost its magic for me this year.

It's almost New Years' again. Another calendar change, revisiting resolutions... I didn't complete mine this year. Aside from fumbling through some wedding plans, not a single goal on my list was realized. I blame some of that on the major upset in March that caused me to spend an extra summer in college, but the rest of the blame lies solely on my lap for not just doing it.

I fail at self motivation. Which is hard for me to say, because I have such big, glorious plans for my life - but they'll never be any closer to achievement if I can't even keep a resolution to keep the kitchen clean. I've been trying to develop better habits, but obviously not hard enough. And so I'm tossing out specific resolutions for the coming year, and focusing on just doing what needs to be done without making excuses or avoiding it. I figure if I can do that, my life might be a lot better... and I'll probably develop some good habits along the way.


  1. Hi sis. You know, I have struggled (and still do, though not as much) with some of the same problems. I want this or that, I won't be happy until...(fill in the blank with any number of things), if I just wait until.. (fill in the blank again). The sorts of things everyone gets stuck on, I think. It's pretty easy to rationalize that things will get better and it's okay to be miserable now, because- let's face it- life is miserable. But I know that it's never going to get better if that's my mindset. I can't keep putting happiness in the future, like "I'll be happy when I finish med school and everything will be awesome then". I keep thinking that if I'm miserable now, I'll be happy later. So all the work I put in now is going to mean something ~then~, right? Not exactly. The future is uncertain, and even once you have what you want (if you ever get it), you'll only want more. There's no perfect oasis once you're married and in a house struggling to make mortgage and car payments and keep your jobs, and you'll never see each other and your house will be a mess, etc etc etc. It doesn't just magically get better.

    It's really hard to tell someone "just cheer up", and I know it's not as simple as that, but if you know that the only thing/person that can make you happy is yourself, and you know that happiness around the corner is not really happiness, then you can make yourself realize that you NEED to MAKE those in-between moments happy ones. It doesn't matter how. You just need to make yourself okay with who you are, where you are. You have to do the things you enjoy or enjoy the things you do the best you can, and try not to the let the other stuff get to you. It's great to have hopes and dreams for the future, but it's wrong to let all these moments slide past as unhappy ones when you never know how many more you have left. I'm glad things have gotten better for you, but I also know it'll probably never really be "easy". So all the advice I can give you is to try and stop lamenting the magical unicorn and rainbow world that could be or could have been, and learn to be content, or make yourself content in reality. I love you sis, and I know you can make the best it. =)

  2. Awww.

    Well, be happy. And I'll try to be happy too. I'm going to go make some cookies.