Wednesday, September 07, 2005


"God grant me the Strength to change the things I can, the Patience to endure the things I can not, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

I'm a patient person when I have to be. There is a quiet place inside that I can go to when waiting is required. Yet when I'm working toward my own goals or expecting something to happen, I'm like a child. I get excited and start thinking and moving faster, and want the rest of the world to keep up with me. I can't tell myself to calm down and work slowly, because I can see what's going to happen next and wish it would happen now. Some days I feel like I'm in a glass train, a prison with no door, and I can see the destination long before we near it but no matter how I strain to make the prison move faster, it never does. Sometimes it even feels like it's slipping backwards, and there is no way to break free.

I've been questioning a lot lately: my classes and education, my goals, my actions and thoughts and feelings, even my relationships - and I can't give myself answers, and I can't put the question into words to ask someone else. Everything seems unsteady except Peter - my rock. (I like your given name, though I don't use it in public) He's an island of certainty in my little sea of doubt. Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's something else. There is an unrest growing in me that has nothing to do with what I'm doing at any particular moment. Something that tells me it's time to quit this messing around with classes that don't matter and potential employers too busy to call; I should be working and independent and Grown Up. I want out. I want to be done. I want to be able to look back and say "That was worth my time." instead of sitting here thinking "This is a waste of time." Every day I manage to be "busy," but I'm not doing anything. Writing papers, reading, gaining more insight into... the politics of running a state institution? I'm not happy when I'm not working on something I love, or something that will advance me toward a goal.

PSYC 101 is a regression, not an advancement. I may only attend on test days, because it utterly failed to get my attention - I read Dune in class and still managed to keep up with the notes/lecture (anyone who knows how I am with books will see how bad the class is). The truth is, most of my classes don't seem to be useful this semester. With the exceptions of Spanish and Art, there is nothing challenging and without a challenge, how am I supposed to grow? I'm tired of busy work and blanket requirements and politics and tact. I want to run barefoot and screaming through the Oak Grove, and laugh at the confusion... but it wouldn't change anything.

People are stupid. When I say I could never live in a city because of the lack of nature, I'm half-lying. I could never live with that many stupid people, no matter how interesting they were. I hate them all in their smug shallow self-absorbed lives. I hate their ignorance and their apathy and their pollution of our world, our minds and our hearts. I hate that we were born into a world where we are numbered and tracked by our government and hated by our sister countries and where freedom of speech sometimes means the freedom to choose between "Yes, Sir." or "No, Sir." I despise the way our educational system brings in people from all over the world and has yet to produce an entirely geographically literate class from any of our schools. I hate that world history in America means "Where America Fits Into History, OR Famous Americans and Why We Are Better." I hate the ethnocentrism we still hang on to. I hate the idea that somehow being American means being Better. What happened to Liberty and Justice For All? It's not - it never was - supposed to refer to the majority. I despise our idiocy and our hypocrisy as a nation of (mostly) God-Fearing White Christians whose only goal is to help Ourselves, whether or not our brothers and sisters drown. I could go on for miles about what I dislike about this country, and the only solution I can see clearly is to tear it all down and rebuild, starting with family values and education. There are few other changes to the system that would even semi-permanently fix any of the problems we have now.

Damn it.

Somewhere in there I forgot to mention that I'm supposed to be moving in with a freshman to avoid having a non-honors student moved in with me as the transitional housing problems are alleviated. I'm feeling ambiguous about this. I know she's a nice girl and I'm sure we'll get along fine, but I like my privacy, too. Sharing a room is something I haven't done in a very long time.

1 comment:

  1. Welcome to the machine: if you wish to play their game, you must play by their rules, as insane as they are. I hope and trust you can find a way to apply your best intentions to those in your chosen field without strangling in the cords of regulations they will attempt to bind you with. It isn't about education (yours or those you hope to teach) - it's about money. It's an institution that has posited itself as "required to be successful in work" much as insurance is "required" to drive... Neither makes for more talent or enthusiasm: on the contrary, it stifiles both and leads to apathy and sloth. Just look at how people drive - and who cares? it's insured...

    Perhaps you remember Laura Ingalls, who graduated at 15, was teaching at 16, and wrote beautifully, all (heaven forbid!!) without a college education or university diploma. The greatest inventors and thinkers of the past several thousand years have been for the most part self taught - following their muse, rather than indoctrinated in how to think about what. What University did Einstein attend? or Thoreau? or Shakespear? or Gallileo? or I?

    Your comments on 'society' are most apt also. People whose orbits are "self" have little to no room for such things as respect for your time (when it's their agenda they are justifying), no respect for your environment (when something they want is on the line), no respect for God (except as a tool to justify their actions.

    Yes, Peter/ Kepa means rock, yet you should also be aware the even the rock that Christ spoke of failed and fell, often, and both plainly said that relationships built on or around any person, were built on sand. The relationship may stand a while, and it may seem wonderful to have a beach at your doorstep, but if / when things get unsettled, what you've built on may swallow you. Just ask those on the gulf coast how wonderful it is to have oceanfront property now. Matter of fact, some of them may already be in a city near you. Ask them where they put their trust. Ask them what they think of their fellow city-zens of that area - People are as they do, especially when the unexpected happens. Observe all things as deep as you can see. Question all things, yet keep your conculsions tenative and quiet. There will be a test later, and there is more than you likely realize at stake.

    (the rain has passed - back outside to work)