Monday, April 25, 2005

Someone save the children...

...from me.

I want to stomp and scream and throw things and slam doors.

This is the THIRD time I've forgotten to go to my Monday night KidsRead tutoring sessions. Tonight was the last night, and it was the picnic, which I wanted to go to - no, which I said I'd go to. I am also dangerously close to not having enough service hours right now. I love volunteering, and I'm not doing it only for the hours, but the fact remains that HC scholarship recipients have to do a certain amount of community service hours each semester. And I was too busy to volunteer last semester. Thank gods for long TOST tech nights... and I CAN NOT say I was that busy that I couldn't set aside three hours today. I was just that forgetful.

I made a basket - a fucking HANDMADE basket - (with candy in it!) for the little boy I worked with. I spent time on it, I was proud of it. I wanted to hand it to him and thank him for being such a good student. He would have smiled at me and maybe taken a piece of candy out and put it in his mouth and gone to show his parents the little gift and I would have felt pleased that I'd done something right.

This morning at 9:30 I reminded myself that it was Monday. I put the basket on my dresser, where it was at eye level and I surely wouldn't forget it! This morning I looked at the basket, moved the basket closer to my LOTR calendar and thought: "I'm going to the picnic tonight!"

This evening at 9:50 I looked at my computer clock, looked at my calendar, and nearly went looking for a large, durable surface to dent my skull upon.

I swear to Japan and back I'm going to be the world's worst teacher. I'll forget that it's Monday and I have a class, and I'll wander off and realize three hours later that my kindergarteners are stabbing each other with playground wood chips, as I walk innocently past the school.

I frustrate myself so much sometimes I think if I were another person, myself would kill me.

I wanted to write a long, thoughtful entry tonight, with a lot of important-looking links to various things concerning one of the few topics I've had on my mind of late. But I have laundry to do and a thesis paper to continue revising, and I'm angry at myself again. Thought can wait.

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