Let's get Politically Incorrect!

Bored with the old layout, and I think it's time for an upgrade. Of course, my knowledge of CSS being what it is, and Blogger trying to make it all "easy" for me (without actually making anything easier at all, I'll probably not get any editing done on this that won't make it look awful. I noticed they've started commenting templates now (or at least the new one's commented where my old one wasn't) so that should help in figuring out what changes which aspect, but for as simple a thing as "I want to make the darn thing wider so my posts don't look so LONG!" I'll have to edit six or seven different pixel widths in various sections, and the method of 'change-preview-change-preview-change' seems like too much work for tonight.

My first summer class started today... "Health Aspects of Aging". It's a one-week seminar and we'll be doing very little actual work in the class if today was any indication. The entire body of the class except me (of course!) is there for an "easy A". I'm also the only female in the class and one of very few caucasians... It's strange to be a 'minority' for once after coming from classes which were predominantly white female students (Elementary education). I don't make this comment to be racist, but to show exactly how 'sheltered' I have been (still!) that it's a surprise to me when I walk into a classroom and don't see at least 1/2 the seats filled by preppy white kids. My expectations have obviously been crafted by years of repeated experience with walking into new classrooms, but that says something too. I know that IUP recruits a lot of students from the Pittsburgh area and I know that there is a pretty good-sized black population on campus... but I've rarely seen them in class! :/ Actually, it seems like many of them are sadly living up to the "ghetto" stereotypes that have been pushed at them by society and the media, and I wish a few more would - if you'll excuse my language - have the balls to actually follow any academic interest they might have, instead of caving to peer pressure and nearly failing classes just because being smart is "wrong" (and in some cases, it's "acting white" - a stereotype I strongly protest on behalf of all the supreme idiots who just happen to have white skin *coughcough*!).

I hear complaints at least once a month (which is as often as I bother looking for them via various media outlets) that "blacks" are still being segregated, looked down upon, not given the same opportunities as "white folk", etc. And all I have to say is that unless you're living in a very rural area, the opportunities are generally there for you and many people are willing to help you fight for your rights as a human being. In my experience, most people are so jaded to race that it's a non-issue until the ACLU starts another uproar about it. The main issue in my mind is that the black community in many areas has, just like other "minority" communities (never mind that there are almost equal numbers of blacks and whites), formed its own identity which it hates to let go of, which includes a lot of willful ignorance of the world and culture around them - and that identity is, unfortunately, partially the fault of the whites, yes. But it's also the fault of people who refuse to finish high school because they think it's useless or stupid, or worse, that it's for whites only. It's the fault of rappers who make living in the ghetto look glamorous and encourage violence in their songs, while a few struggle to tell kids that it's actually ok to get an education (and I am thrilled by the emerging black role models who can culture-switch... rapping to kids one minute and clearly articulating their thoughts to a reporter the next). It's the fault of teen girls who decide that they'd rather go get pregnant and live on welfare (because it's the easy way out) than struggle through perceived racism and sexism to get a better life for themselves and their kids. I'm sick of the "white guilt" BS. Some people might feel it and some people might deserve to, but it's time that throwing blame goes out the window and acceptance of history comes in. A lot of the things that have happened ARE history, and many of the "horrors" that blacks experienced haven't just been aimed at blacks. Many, many immigrants who came to America put up with the same kind of racist bigotry; even Mexican immigrants today in our 'enlightened' society have to put up with the KKK and their kin. Much of the "racism" I see and hear every day is created by the culture that the "victims" have accepted among themselves. I'm not blaming either side because it's a collaboration that goes beyond what either side would be capable of alone - if blame must be put, then I'm putting it on both sides.

I have not willingly oppressed any black person in my lifetime and I'm not going to feel guilty for a stereotype that, now that I am aware of it, I do my best not to perpetrate. I have an expectation that everyone around me should be working to better themselves and their community, or at least not to slide backwards... and that is indifferent of race, gender, sexual orientation, age, mental abilities (I expect you to work to the best of those, whether that means learning to tie your own shoes or solving world hunger), handicapped status, or any other "-ism" inducing mental or physical state. So when I say that the young black men in my class are living up to a stereotype and speak of them as though I were stereotyping them, it's not because I expect or require a stereotype. It's because I'm disappointed that a wonderful, intelligent girl I know who just happens to be southern, black, and Jewish can graduate WITH HONORS next to me, despite having had to deal with serious family issues and racism her entire life while these strong young men are often too scared to come out and admit that they are individuals and that something interests them in a classroom. She's not letting her racial identity get in the way of her personality, and I love her for it.

But back to actual class content analysis - Since I'm trying to get a job working with the elderly I'm glad to be taking this class. It will cover, in a week, conceptions and misconceptions about aging, terms used to talk about aging, ways to stay healthy and active as you age, and aging and sexuality. We're also scheduled to go out to an 'old folks' home' tomorrow to do some community service work, which seems mostly like landscaping but might also involve interacting with the patrons. I'm glad of the opportunity to go outside but I don't know if we'll get much done, or if the guys will decide to play it 'cool' and just stand around. It was also tossed up in class that since I am seemingly the only one with landscaping experience I would be a 'manager' of sorts... but I'd rather elect a committee to do the managing, or do things democratically than put myself in charge of a bunch of guys who I am admittedly uncomfortable talking to, if only because I feel I have nothing to say that might possibly interest them, or that I'll come off as a stereotypical "preppy white girl" myself. I'd say things would all be so much easier if people were the same shade of grey, but knowing that people enjoy pigeonholing, if we were all grey we'd probably start having issues with hairstyle-ism. >_<

In Other News...

Just thought I'd share a few thoughts.

Graduation is in 2 days. There's a lot to remember and I'm not sure where I'm going to be in line for the university graduation because I -just- put in the form for the major change. I might end up walking with the eled grads, although I'd rather not see them again and maintain my "quiet" exit from the department, or at least some appearance of a graceful and entirely by-my-own-choice removal from student teaching. I'm not looking forward to answering "Where were you the last month?", if they haven't already been told. But other than that things should go smoothly, and I'm quite happy to say that all the rest of my summer plans are slowly falling into place. Now, to get a job...

And on that note: I'm applying for jobs tonight/tomorrow with various state and local agencies, to see if I can land anything, since Lowes has not called me back. I wouldn't mind a job there but I'm not so dedicated to the prospect that I'll call them to beg/bug, and besides, does corporate business etiquette of calling to refresh the memory of the HR people/make yourself annoying apply at a hardware store? Either way, I've already sent in my resume to a health care job which involves mentally handicapped adults (pretty close to my current educational field, and $0.50 more per hour than dealing with mentally handicapped teens at Mickey D's!), and I'm filling out the non-civil-service application for PENNDOT and other assorted state jobs to see if I can land a clerk typist position near Indiana, or at the very least get stuck on flag duty on the highway for a few hours this summer. $20/hr to hold a flag and wear a stylish neon vest sounds pretty darn good.

In other news...
A volcano is burying a town. People are already comparing it to Pompeii, despite the lack of deaths (everyone but some livestock and wild animals got out just fine) and the fact that we'll probably uncover the town again in a few days. It's interesting news anyway if only because of the volcano's unexpected activity after years of dormancy.

Cereal is beating out Emeril in a new restaurant chain. Can we call it a restaurant? Anyway, they sell cereal. With any kind of milk you want, plus toppings. It's not as cheap as buying your own box but it beats a vending machine if you're hungry... and they've got franchise opportunities, apparently. If I could get a loan to open up a place in town, I think the college kids would flock to it... and I've always been tempted by owning and managing my own business. Eh, maybe next year...

New excesses in the realm of vacation fun! The world's largest swimming pool (so named by the Guinness Book of World Records, which we know to be a pretty solid reference for such things) is now open for business in Chile. According to a commenter they're using fresh sea water to pump in and out of the pool... I'd be interested to see how much fresh pee they're pumping out with the water (admit it, you know someone who urinates in the pool)! Either way, it seems to be a (relatively) environmentally sound tactic for pool-building, and it'll bring more business-building tourism to the area, which is good for the Chilean economy, so say the "experts". I'd be happy just to swim in an uncrowded pool, if I could afford the $540 to get in (mandatory 3-night minimum at $180 per night).

An interesting solar effect is coming soon in NYC; it's called "Manhattanhenge". Flikr has myriad pictures of the supposedly interesting sunset, all showing an orange-ish evening sun between tall dark buildings, but I didn't find any from a more striking viewpoint than a Manhattan street corner. If Google Earth's satellites could get a close-up of the whole area at that time it would probably show the effect far better than taking pictures into the sun. Heck, a helicopter could get a nice wide-angle shot from above. Still, the astrological interest factor is pretty high, since I don't think they planned the streets to do this.

An interesting mini-bio of Mr. Rogers. Having read it, I really miss him. I think I cried when I heard of his death, because I remember loving his show as a kid. What a guy...

Nowhere, really.

You're probably wondering (or not) where I've disappeared to since the last upheaval. Well, nowhere really.

Actually, that line sums up how I feel about the place my life is going right now. I have the paperwork to change my major to General Studies; I have 2 out of 3 classes registered for this summer off the "suggested" list pulled up by the Dean of the department (none of them my top choices, as those were either not listed or filled up before I could even contact the professors about erasing the damned SOC 151 pre-requisite that ALL the suggested classes had); I have a cleaner apartment (slightly) and my socks are sorted.

I even managed to really annoy the girl in charge of our senior class commencement preparations at the HC, by 1) missing a photo appointment back at the beginning of March, 2) not checking my e-mail last week and so missing the opportunity to take and send in a picture of myself when she asked the first time (on Monday) and threatened to take a picture off Facebook, and 3) not giving her any reason or excuse for my lack of e-mail checking or photo, but simply sending in a huge high-res photo of myself taken just today for the very purpose of going in the brochure, with a note: "I hope this is acceptable." Granted I didn't have internet access yesterday or the day before, due to a faulty (read: decades old and falling apart) cable line and/or dead modem which the very nice Comcast guy spent an hour or so fixing, replacing, and grumbling about this morning. Still, I know I'm not being exactly polite by not groveling and offering excuses and being terribly sorry for all the fuss. I just can't really bring myself to care about graduation, since after all, I am taking three more classes this summer, so it's not like the ceremony really signifies anything except the countdown to having to pay off my student loans. And yet, despite all my little accomplishments, I don't have much of a big goal any more.

I'm not feeling very sure about where I'm going with my life at this point. I mean, yes, I'm sure I'll go to a grad school somewhere, and get some kind of degree related to books. I'm sure at some point we'll actually find enough money or a kind enough loan officer to get ourselves a house. I'm almost sure we might have kids some day, which does give me a little something to look forward to, if only because I'll be able to train them to annoy the living daylights out of the idiots around them and run circles around their classmates in school. But job prospects for budding librarians are hardly widespread, which dampens any enthusiasm I had for house-hunting and wedding plans, and I've decided quite firmly against going into any kind of work that involves "customer service" from the point of "you serve the customer and don't you dare look for any respect for this position" (ie. retail, food service, anything related to office work, phonathon caller, babysitter, teaching... wait a minute, are there ANY jobs people respect any more?) so my available job market has slimmed down to almost nothing. I really shouldn't be picky you say, since I'm only 22 with no "real" job skills and everyone had to enter on the first floor of the job market, etc... but shouldn't I be able to say "look, I don't want to be put down and belittled and paid less than I feel my time is worth"? I've had quite enough of that already, thank you, and I'm ready to be treated like I'm actually of value to whatever employer I find myself with. Or at least I'd like to find a place where I can accomplish something, however little that something might be, for myself. I like setting my own goals, or at least feeling like working toward someone else's goal is helping me somewhat... and being able to ask "would you like fries with that?" is not my idea of a lifetime achievement.

I have a tentative part-time position lined up for this summer as a gardener for the Honors College residence hall and the current HC President's home, which sounds a lot better than sitting in an over-air-conditioned office building and will probably pay just as well. I can deal with plants and I know my work will be appreciated. The flowers aren't going anywhere, just like me. They just sit and sun themselves all day... which reminds me of a poem that I'm feeling rather partial to right now:

I wish I was a little rock,
A-sittin' on the hill,
A-doin' nothin' all day long
Except just sittin' still.


I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep,
I wouldn't even wash.
I'd sit and sit a thousand years
And rest myself, by gosh.

(Thanks, Dad, for reciting that one to me as a kid). I'm not sure who wrote it, but I'd like to go nowhere and do nothin' all day long for a while. Some days, sorting the socks just isn't worth it.

Back to the idea of my future, summer jobs don't mean full-time employment, and I'm rather unhappy about the prospect of finding a more "permanent" position, since the only ones I can think of related to my major seem to be child care or... well, the local library. And while I do like taking care of, teaching, and otherwise interacting with children, I don't like doing it while being told I'm not allowed to punish, chide, look down upon, be annoyed with or otherwise do anything "negative" in the presence of My Darling Little Angel Who Would Never Do Anything Wrong. So I guess I'll go bug the librarians about a position... here's hoping there's something open, and that they'll hire me without the MLS degree.

At least my gardening is going well... I've "tilled" my little pots of soil and started the jalapeño peppers, beans and peas indoors. The peas after a week are already 2" tall in some of the pods and ready to be brought outdoors - a surprise, but a pleasant one. I guess I can take solace in the fact that at least my garden will bear fruit this year.

Solution?

Today my supervisor came in again after a few weeks of absence (he told me he would stay away so I wouldn't be stressed by his visits). I was in the middle of a chaotic, noisy, not-so-great math lesson (although I think the kids did learn something) and near the end he pulled me out of the room while my co-op took over the station I was working with.

He thinks we've hit a wall. I agree, and I know my co-op agreed too. Yesterday, she seemed very frustrated with my messy math lesson (they're always messy, but this one was really awful) and asked me what else she could possibly do to help me. She has done a lot. She is a wonderful person, and I really am grateful for all the help she's given me over and over again this semester. But she can't really get me any further, and I can't even get myself over this one little issue.

It's called motivation. See, last semester I decided I didn't really want to teach in a classroom; I'd rather play a support role like being an aide or a building/district specialist or... a librarian. Which, coincidentally, is how I applied to grad school. I'm hoping for a degree in Information Science, maybe with a School Library Media concentration. I think what my supervisor calls "nontraditional" teaching is what I like best. Of course, that does nothing for my enjoyment and daily improvement in a real classroom, no matter how much I have told myself to just get through it and get my degree. And so I've stopped improving, and my biggest issue now is "situational awareness" - seeing the whole big classroom picture. I'm too detail-oriented (another reason I'd rather hover and pick at one or two kids - I'm great with one-on-one!). And since I've stopped improving, they are taking me out of the classroom.

"Oh no!" you say. "What about your grade? Will you fail? Will you graduate? Do you have plans?"

For once, I just might have plans. I'll be hearing back from my advisor soon (I took the afternoon off of teaching to meet with her and my supervisor on campus, after his observation) and she has two options in mind for me. One: I can undergo an "Intervention" working one-on-one with a faculty member to improve my classroom teaching and we'll try for another 6 credits (since I'm already over halfway through the 12-credit teaching I signed up for). This will mean staying an extra summer and fall to get things done, possibly even into next spring depending on when the intervention can be done. It also means I'd be a part-time student during that time, which supposedly won't hurt my financial aid since I'm so close to my degree, but I don't like the idea anyway. It would mean I would have to find another part-time job while I was in class. Ick.

The other idea is to call off student teaching and forget about an Elementary Education degree. I could still probably get my Spanish minor, but my major would be in "General Studies" (which is the term they use when you can't figure out what you want to do, but have enough credits for graduation anyway, or for when you do something like drop out of student teaching halfway - which is surprisingly common and I am not the first this semester to do so). I would have to take one or two more classes in the summer or fall for that, most likely, but I'd have a degree without facing a classroom again (which sounds heavenly right now, even as much as I love the kids), and I could still make it into grad school in the spring semester.

I am past caring about appearances at this point and since my supervisor and my advisor both know I'm not going to get motivated overnight (although they have praised my smarts and self-reflection skills up and down the block), I think the best option is to just get the weak-looking General Studies degree, and boost it with a good graduate school degree, which is the important one anyway. Hardly anyone actually follows up on their undergraduate degree with an exact matching one in grad school, and a Master's says a lot more than a bachelor's degree, or so I'm told. But I haven't heard back from my advisor yet. So for now, I guess I'll go clean my room. I've been so busy and stressed this semester it hasn't gotten done, and now I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted. Plus, even if they take my midterm grade and use that for this semester, a 6 credit C is a lot better than a 12-credit D and a re-take next semester. I am lucky to have smart people watching over me who spotted my problems and know where to go to fix them.

Ow, ow, ow.

This week didn't go so well, either for me or the kids. They were noisy, disrespectful, mean to each other, they cried when they didn't get their way, they broke the soap dispenser and jammed the pencil sharpener (again, and they're lucky they also fixed it this time), smeared feces on the bathroom walls, threw toilet paper all over the bathroom floor a few days later, did it again the very next day, freaked out at a spider (which I had to kill, because it was one of the ickygrosshugeblack ones with a fat body that I refused to get close enough to catch and dispose of humanely outside), spilled milk and yogurt on the classroom floor, were lectured for over an hour in the course of the week, and were yelled at and cajoled and threatened with loss of recess time every 10-20 minutes.

I was told I couldn't go to McKeever to escape this den of chaos because I "need improvement" in my teaching* and apparently despite 3 years of experience with kids outdoors, it'll be "harder" there than here and I'll most certainly fail student teaching if I go. I got a C on my Midterm Evaluation, which means almost definitely that an A is not achievable by final grading time and even if it was my average would be a B. So much for graduating with honors, because Student Teaching is worth 12 credits (as much as a full semester of "regular" classes). I'm epically far behind with my work, which naturally only makes me want to start in on the pile less and less. And we're getting a new student on Monday. 22 children is too many. 23 will be 5 times worse.

So I ended Friday afternoon with a combined sinus/tension headache after my coop had just spent 4 days complaining about how badly HER neck hurt (of course the student teacher isn't supposed to complain), and my lower back had started hurting rather suddenly and oddly. I didn't think anything of it, knowing I carry my backpack with one strap and that sometimes causes dull back pain (and yes, I should quit doing it, but putting both straps on makes me feel like an overdressed 3rd grader, so I try not to wear it like that around grown adults). Friday night it got worse. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, woke up at the amazingly early hour of 8am Saturday morning, tossed and turned some more and finally cried because it HURT and I couldn't figure out how or why or even exactly where. Heat pads work except that we don't ahve any proper heating pads and towels wrapped around dry white rice are only acceptable for so long before you get sick of spilling rice everywhere when you move (plastic baggies with rice in them melt because it gets too warm in the microwave). Ibuprofen also helps, but I have to be careful not to take it too often. Simple movement like filling the washing machine and cleaning the litter box made it hurt again. And it still hurts as of tonight, Sunday night, and I've lost an hour on top of everything else because of the damn clock change, so I'm sitting here looking at my computer clock (which, being Win2k, isn't set to change its time for another few weeks) saying 8:15, knowing it's actually 9:15 and feeling like I've been hit by a bus.

I do not want to go to school tomorrow. I'm not really prepared because I've spent all weekend either wishing the pain would go away or celebrating that it had gone away for a few hours and not doing any work in an attempt to "relax" and make it go away for good. I will probably go anyway, and end up drugging myself in the hallway between classes so that the kids don't see me popping Ibuprofen every 3 hours. If I had insurance, I'd be in the hospital, but the pain hasn't totally incapacitated me yet, and I'd hate to go in only to be told it's from stress, handed a prescription for muscle relaxant and charged $6k for the privilege of meeting with a doctor. The way I see it, if it gets worse, then I'll know there's something else wrong without having to ask a doctor, and THEN I can go in. If it goes away, I saved money... even if it did mean dealing with the pain.

*(I'm not progressing at the rate they think I should, I'm not 'creative' enough in my lesson planning (15/16ths of which has been handed to me straight out of a curriculum that doesn't really allow creativity), and I apparently don't do enough to differentiate instruction to fit the needs of our 5 kids who still can't even read at a beginning 2nd grade level along with the 1 confirmed and 2 suspected gifted kids all while following what the book says I HAVE to teach *headdesk*)

News From 2nd Grade: Frustration and Failure

Well, today was bad. Just not good. As the start of my experience week it's really not looking positive, and all I can think is that if the rest of the week goes this badly I'll quit. For one thing, I didn't have my center activities done (something I intend to remedy as soon as I can tonight) and that made the kids less than agreeable during private reading time (which despite its name is really "get up and socialize" time, unless they're kept busy with work instead of being left to read -_-). For another thing, I was supervised today.

My supervisor never tells me when he's going to show up, which means that preparing for him being in the classroom never happens. I never have extra materials to give him and my desk (which he happily seats himself at, to my annoyance whenever I have to reach under his briefcase for papers) is always messier than I'd like it to be. Today was classically bad and since he's never seen me on a sparkling, shiny, happy, good day, he has come to the conclusion that I'm not doing so well as a teacher. My coop doesn't think I'm doing so great either. Currently, my grade is maybe a high C - pretty unacceptable for a student who is supposed to be leaving the classroom for an environmental science center in 10 days. And my supervisor told me today that he doesn't think I'll make it.

In other words, I'll probably be "asked" (read: forced under penalty of failing) to stay at the school all semester while I improve, because I'm not making improvements fast enough, however steady said improvements are, to keep up with, let alone surpass the other students in the building. And since they'll be here all semester and I won't, I'm supposed to be doing twice as well as they are.

I feel like a failure. I admit I think I'm over my head because I have had to move so fast through this but the science center was what was keeping me from losing it the last few weeks, because I don't think I can stand to spend another 8 weeks in a classroom. I'm not planning on being a teacher; I don't expect to get a teaching job fresh out of IUP especially not if my grade in student teaching is a B or worse. I won't be able to compete. I don't want to compete. I just want a decent sub position until I can get my masters' and move on to a quiet little library somewhere. They're treating this as if I was going to spend the next 30 years of my life in a classroom and need to do all my improving right now... and I want to tell them that no, actually, I'm only in this until I graduate, but thanks for the advice anyway and I'll try to do my best till I leave.

Except that at my best I'm still a disorganized, under confident, quiet little nothing who's too nice to the kids some days and too bitchy on others and I can't seem to keep them quiet (although the coop can't keep them quiet either, it's not always me). I'm frustrated and I'm worried that I'm going to be told that I can't go to McKeever, even if I try my hardest the next two weeks. My supervisor has already pretty much made up his mind, so I'm working against that as well - he's just not optimistic about my future. And right now, neither am I. I'm lost and I'm horrified that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough to get to where I really need to be.

News From 2nd Grade, Weeks 3-5.

Oh my goodness, I've survived FIVE weeks in a classroom! I'm slowly improving, although my co-op and I agree that at this point my grade would still be a C, because I really do need to work on my class management skills. This is a class that needs to be micromanaged because they've been babied for all 7 years of their short lives and they still don't know what "stay on task" means... but they're slowly starting to respond more to me as a teacher and I'm feeling much more comfortable teaching my lessons now that I have someone to back me up and make sure that I'm consistent with my teaching, instead of jumping all over the place. I've started taking little liberties with things but for the most part am still working right from the curriculum guides. My coop says: "The way I see it is this: Are you certified in Curriculum Design? No. So you shouldn't be making it up until you've had some practice. This stuff is proven to be an effective teaching guide, so I don't care if you copy it." She's gotten me to write a few of my own lesson plans and so far, so good, but she's perfectly happy to let me use the books, as long as I don't have to read them for directions during the lesson.

I've now taught two "Experience Days" (full days in the classroom) and they wear me out. I don't know how the heck the teacher does it all. I'm still working out proper order to do things in, what time exactly the kids should be settled and in their seats, making a smooth transition from morning work to the spelling lesson to the special, prep for math, etc... remembering all the times takes me a while still, but I've gotten the general order down now and that helps. And I'm getting slowly more consistent with my management techniques and my instructions. So now the kids will get more consistent with their responses, right?

The kids had fun on Valentine's day. Last week we had two 2-hour delays and one snow day, and absences all week, and yet on Thursday (Party day) they all came filing happily into the room with excuses about being ill and not being able to come to school due to the weather on Wednesday. *le sigh* I didn't have quite so much fun, since there was too much sugar and not enough concentration, but my science lesson went very well (I tried micromanaging, and explaining everything 3 times over, and 3/4 of the kids actually listened very well, which floored me). I did get a pile of candy plus several cute valentines, one of which was labeled "To Mrs. Fae and Mr. Fae"... I cracked up, of course... a few of them still call me "Mrs. Fae" all the time, despite the board (and me) saying "Ms. Fae". Ah well, they're only 7.

Next week, I'll teach a lot more (I think I may do the whole week, except for math and some reading centers!) and the week after that is my genuine, honest-to-goodness, teaching everything Experience Week before I leave. Oh, dear... 3 weeks till I'm done here! Then it's on to the Environmental Center and a lot of outdoor fun in the early spring slush.

Rainbows are expensive these days.

In case you haven't heard yet...

I got rear-ended as part of a 4-car accident driving home today just a little way up the road from the LAST time my sister and I were rear-ended, and it was the fault of one young driver not paying attention.

Here I am driving home, it starts raining, I slow down (of course, because I usually try to be as safe as I can) and am just minding my own business when I see a GORGEOUS OMG WOW LOOK AT THAT RAINBOW! stretching across town in front of me. I considered seeing if my camera would be able to start up in time (it's an old digital) but I couldn't get it out of my bag at the red light, so I left it alone - "I know better than to fiddle with things in the car while I'm driving," I told myself. Apparently a lot of other drivers were looking at the sky too, because traffic slowed down a lot ahead of me at one of the lights. Things came to a stop pretty quickly and so did I (as carefully as I could though, considering there was someone behind me and I really didn't want to stop so fast that she hit me or slid on the damp road), the nice lady behind me stopped ok, and I thought I was safe, but something didn't quite feel right for a half-second... and the guy behind her? THUDSQUEALCRUNCH. He hit her, she slammed into me and ruined the rear end of my car, I slid forward and tapped the guy ahead of me. If I hadn't been stomping the brakes, his car probably would've been nudged quite a bit harder.

Needless to say, a lot of very loud, unhappy words escaped my mouth at this point...

So when everyone has pulled over, the police are notified and everything's checked out, total damage: Car #1 (guy in front of me) has maybe some red paint on his rear bumper, if that. I (#2 in line) have no trunk left. The crumple zone on a Civic does its job, but when its job is done there's not really anything pretty left on the rear end. My tail lights are non-functional (one shattered and fell out completely) and my trunk is shorter by several inches. The lady in the SUV behind me (#3) had a bit of damage to her grille/radiator, and some crumpling in the back but nothing a body shop couldn't flatten out, and the last guy (#4 and the cause of our accident) had a bit of an accordion for a hood - his car got towed by the friendly AAA people who just happened to be driving by and thought they might offer a hand (I sure hope they don't charge him too much for the help!). I didn't see the full damage to his SUV but I know his airbags went off and he hit his head on something and was bleeding a bit at the temple - they took him away to the hospital.

Does this mean rainbows aren't good luck after all?

So our car and my only source of transportation currently is totaled (or probably totaled, we're waiting for the insurance company to decide on that) and I have to get to my student teaching placement still... for the next few weeks I can probably carpool with someone else who is there, but halfway through the semester I am switching placements to somewhere pretty far away and I don't think I'll be able to have someone drive me up and back every weekend. This pretty much ruins any plans I had of seeing my fiance during that 8-week placement unless we can find a replacement car and since neither of us is working right now I don't think we can even lease one (not that we could afford that anyway). This is really depressing to me and I'm really upset about not being able to finish my student teaching placement without relying on other people - and especially about not having any freedom to come and go at my second placement (an environmental science center in the middle of nowhere) without pre-arranging rides with other people. There isn't anyone else from my class going there this semester so getting there at all is going to be a challenge. :/

But at least I got to see a rainbow. *sigh*

News from 2nd Grade, Week 2. Tales of Art Class and Being Late.

So far, so good. I was ten minutes late once this week and got a strict warning (apparently, being late is a death knell for student teachers) so I'm never ever ever going to be late again (if I can help it). Hitting my snooze button at 6am was a bad choice, but according to the teacher, being even more late because I was picking up a classmate's lessons when she had the flu was also a bad choice. "Look out for yourself first" is the idea, I guess. But my coop doesn't hold grudges and is still working with me to improve things so I'm going to do my very best... and I started by staying up till 2am writing a lesson plan for Monday's science lesson. I have no idea how I ended up with writer's block for a unit plan that is already sketched out for me, but there you have it. My brain works in strange, strange ways.

On Monday I will start teaching my math unit, which means that I'll be writing lesson plans for both math and science for the next two weeks. I'm scared to death that I'll slip up during the lessons, never having taught two in one day before, and I'm not allowed to use the lesson plans to help me get through the lesson, although I can use a post-it to outline the sections if I need to... I'm awful at remembering things I write though, and I've decided that the best plan of action for teaching my lesson plans without re-reading them 8 times a day the day before is to talk myself through them in the car on the way to school. It's about a 40 minute drive, so I can probably get through two lessons every morning, and I talk to myself anyway, so I might as well say something important, right?

I'm going to exercise this weekend, I swear it! I think yoga and tai chi are my best bets right now since it's COLD outside. This morning, I left the house in 8* weather and my body heat caused the inside of the windshield to first fog up, and then freeze. There was still a tiny bit of ice at the top of the windshield when I got to school, even with the heat on full-blast the whole way. For someone who doesn't like the cold, January/February are miserable. I'm staying inside and drinking lots of tea, remembering my vitamin C and Echinacea supplements and trying to keep my hands clean - lots of germs going around now as well as it being too cold out, and in 2nd grade they still need to be reminded to wash their hands when they sneeze on them (the kids, that is). My coop ended up very sick with a long-lasting flu-like bug last weekend and this week, but so far all I've had is a headache.

A little anecdote from the classroom: One of our boys, who is actually moving soon, spent 30 minutes drawing an oval during our art lesson. What a perfectionist! He had to find the perfect animal, find the right size to draw it, find the perfect picture to work from and then draw just the right oval for the animal's body (we were working with using shapes to create an animal's body, as well as giving it texture by adding lines for fur). Nearly everyone else just scribbled away happily, but he was intent on being perfect or not doing it at all. I would have agreed with him wholeheartedly when I was younger, but now I'm playing teacher and had to poke him to keep going and just accept the inevitable imperfect circle. Eventually, he drew something to his satisfaction - on his practice paper. Naturally our art paper was too thick to be traced through, and he had to do it all over again. True to perfectionist style he worked very carefully on the rest of his picture and when he finishes I expect it will be a masterpiece.

The week was shortened due to an in-service day on Monday and a half-day of parent conferences this morning, so next week will likely feel interminable after the glory of only 3 days with students. Not that I don't like the students, but it's very different to be in school without them. I learned a few things during the inservice, too.

Coming next week: the fun of teaching two lessons per day, and "Smile, Your Headache is Showing"!

News from 2nd Grade, Week 1.

Well, it's started! I've been thoroughly welcomed with a solid and sudden (but not entirely unexpected) dunking into the great wide world of second grade. I had the chance to work with second graders before, during my pre-pre-student teaching in my sophomore year, but that experience was one morning a week and nowhere near as challenging. This is a challenge I can rise to meet!

My cooperating teacher is awe-inspiring. She has taught for longer than I've been alive, which means she's great at her job. I'm already learning so much from her that I've had to start taking notes to keep it all straight! She's blunt, but she's honest (something I really respect) and once I got over the initial "cold" feeling I got from her, I realized that not being babied or getting warm fuzzies all day is exactly what I need to really get through the next seven weeks. It's going to be very busy, and she is a very demanding person, but I feel like I will do much better in her classroom because of her expectations, and it's exciting to know that she appreciates me being in the room even when I mess up.

This week has tired me out and I feel like I should be in bed by now - the habit of getting up at 6am has started to settle in so I don't want to mess it up too much by sleeping in till 10 on Saturday... goal #1, "Get up on time" is slowly but surely becoming a reality. I still feel rushed most mornings because I'm groggy for the first half hour and don't move as fast as I should, but between getting up earlier to avoid feeling rushed and actually being a few minutes late on occasion, I'll take being late. I hope that as the semester goes on I'll get faster at writing lessons, so I can go to bed at an earlier time (I haven't hit the pillow before 10pm yet!) but I also know that as my lesson-writing gets better I'll have more lessons to write (we're supposed to be doing 25 per week by the end of the semester, and that means that I have to try to do so by midterms when I change placements (oh, dear!). Still, a whole week of 6am wake-ups is a good start for me - usually I slip up and stay in bed. Not a proud moment when it happens, and this semester is doubly important so I'm going to keep dragging myself out of bed. The coffee maker will be a great help. :D

Exercising is threatened by the sheer amount of work I have to/should/volunteer to take on and so I've been thinking about getting it in on weekend mornings... that will serve two purposes - to get me up at a set time so I can settle into a weekend routine (which will in turn keep me more on-track about getting work done on weekends!) and to make sure I fill that goal of twice-a-week exercise - once on Sunday and once on Saturday! It's not the most practical work-out schedule ever from a health perspective but until I get my actual academic work under control it'll probably be easiest for me, and if I feel that it's workable I can add a third day on Wednesday to balance things out a bit.

Cleaning came to a standstill as of Monday - I need to set aside a day to do major tasks like laundry (probably tomorrow, ugh!) and make time to do minor ones like the litterbox (which usually doesn't get clean unless I do it :/) in the afternoon when I come home. I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep cleaning up the kitchen but I don't want to let cleaning take over the time I need to spend on lesson planning so the house may be messy for a while... we shall see. If this weekend goes well, next should be easier.

And internet usage, my other daily goal, has dropped to almost nothing. Because I spend so much time on lesson planning and other bits and pieces of student life as of Monday morning, I haven't had time to check my e-mail until tonight (Friday night). I guess I should be laughing that it takes a workload so heavy my head's still spinnning with things I've got to work on in order to make me stay away from the computer, but I'm on the computer a lot anyway, writing plans, and I'm technically online - just that I'm spending 90% of that time following links to online teaching resources, or looking up the PA Education standards for the nth time so I can write objectives to match them.

It's been a busy, busy week and I feel like I haven't had time to sit down although I know that last night I spent a few hours doing nothing of consequence, just to celebrate having lived through most of a week in a busy classroom. The class is great and I'm happy to be there even though my management techniques need some work because I'm running myself ragged trying to keep them all in line and focused and on task. I need to start differentiating my instruction (making the lessons easier/harder for some of the kids, for those who don't speak teacher-talk) so that's the goal for the next few lessons I write. My co-op has me reflecting on everything she can, mostly my lessons and improvements I could make for next time but also what she does in the classroom - how she teaches, how she gets the students' attention, various finer points of the curriculum and scheduling, and on occasion the prospects of getting a job, how to deal with gifts or snacks from the kids without offending if we can't have/don't want it (we had cupcakes for someone's birthday today, yum!), and where she keeps papers and more papers and more papers. I'm still getting my sea legs, so to speak, but so far I've handled myself well enough to merit a sigh of relief at not setting myself on fire (inside joke from my supervisor - he's had a student teacher so nervous to be observed that they actually lit themselves up during a science lesson). And speaking of science, I'm in full charge of the science unit we're doing next because it's a new STC kit and she knows I have "experience" (I looked at one, once) with them... plus the whole lesson requirements thing. I have to teach something, it might as well be something I like and know to start out with. XD Mostly I'm just slightly nervous (or maybe it's indigestion? ;p) about getting through the increasingly demanding second and third weeks... if I can live through those, and the weather is nice enough to not force me out of bed early to clean snow off the car, I think my life will be running smoothly. If not? Well, sometimes roller coasters can be fun...

Good news!

While it took an unfortunately very whiny e-mail to my advisor to get things done, I am going to McKeever this semester! Sunship Earth is the program I'll probably be working on there, with 5th and 6th grade students. I'm thrilled by the opportunity and want to hug my advisor for getting me in. This means I'll only spend half my semester in the classroom and the other 8 weeks in a dorm with a roommate, teaching kids stuff about the environment and their place in it. This is such a great opportunity for me to get out and get back to nature myself, as well as a really good excuse not to be locked up inside when spring comes. And even though I'm paying them (about $250, if I remember correctly) instead of them paying me like at girl scout camp, I'd much rather pay to get out of the classroom than not be able to go at all. Plus, I get to come home on weekends (my fiance is grumpy about not seeing me all week - I'll miss him too!), and I won't have to write so many lesson plans! I'm so happy I could dance, but I'll save it for after my college application essays are finished. :D

Kristen reminded me that I should probably update on my goal progress, just so I remind myself to keep on track. So far I'm absurdly proud of my kitchen-cleaning progress. It's not perfect (I still need to clean the stove before bed, since my can of Chef Boyardee splattered a little) but the sink has stayed cleaner and I swept and scrubbed and vacuumed the floor yesterday. Sunday I even did ALL of the laundry in the hamper and got most of our bedding through the wash - it feels SO good to have clean blankets!

I haven't quite been getting up as early as I could but I'm going to make a real attempt come Friday because Monday is my first day of Student Teaching (and I'm really nervous already). I'm not terribly worried though, because once my body is on schedule it's harder to knock it off, and when I have more to do I'll hopefully be more tired at a decent hour!

Tomorrow is College Application Day. I'm pretty sure that at least one of my schools has a deadline of tomorrow anyway so here's hoping I can get everything postmarked or submitted online for 3 schools! Or at least, most of it submitted and the rest marked on a list for Friday since I'll be on campus (we have a meeting for student teaching) and I might be able to pick up transcripts and the like. I'm an awful procrastinator, I know... and I'm hoping that the habits I'm trying to develop now (like keeping things clean instead of waiting till the last minute to clean them) will help me in that area of my life.

I have to wait until summer to take the MSF so that probably won't be mentioned here again until then... but that goal will get done! :) I did actually exercise last week, too, so I'll be in shape for the course. :D Continuing it this week hasn't gone quite so well, so I'm going to try to get a walk/run in tomorrow or Friday, or maybe do some yoga inside if it's still rainy out. Been spending too much time in front of the computer or with a good book lately (although I -have- made some progress toward monitoring my internet time, I've also simply shuffled that leisure time I made for myself into reading and playing computer games. Oi! That will iron itself out though, once I'm at school 8 hours a day!).

Other things on the list have been pushed aside in favor of getting "ready" (yeah, right, I don't feel prepared at all!) for student teaching, but I'll get to working on them in a few weeks when I've settled in more. I'm not worried about the job fair goal at least - turns out there's a mandatory one at the end of the semester for all of the student teachers, so I'll have no excuse to miss it! I may try to find another one though, just to boost my chances.

On the non-goal side of life, my sister is currently headed for/in Colorado to start a new semester at a new school. I'm worried about her and hope she does ok there, because it's a huge change (and a huge distance!) from where we grew up... but she seems to be the kind of person who needed that kind of challenge so hopefully she will grow and mature a little bit and come back to us over summer break happy. I'll definitely miss her. My little sister is still in high school but only for a little while longer (time goes by so fast!) so soon mom will have an empty nest. I'm sure she will just keep on gardening and growing enough veggies for us all, though. Not much else to say. We get to keep the cat we took in for a friend - he can't take him back, and our landlady's not here enough to complain, so here he stays. We renamed him, though. His former name was Cadence (and the dog the guy owned was Maestro - can you tell he was a music major?) but we're calling him Tyr now, after the Norse God. It goes better with Loki (who is currently watching me type this. Cute kitty!).

Bedtime now, and lots to do in the morning. I never did wash that last blanket...

Especially the Serenity part.

God grant me the courage to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I can not,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm sure that's not the "proper" version of the prayer but oddly enough a Google search for the wording turned up a "Yahoo Answers" question with several variants, and not much else useful on the front page. Google, you have let me down and I'm too lazy to search page 2.

Seriously though, I'm upset again over my student teaching placement and I really could use the patience and serenity (or is that senility?) ;) to get through this coming semester. It's a 2nd grade class (never mind that I already had 2nd grade and wanted 3rd or 4th) in a school district that I asked specifically not to be in (the city is a 30 minute drive from us, doesn't take care of any of their roads and it's winter in Western PA - can you guess why I don't want to be there?) and asked in October, no less, for them to change it. There's also the issue of a missing application to a very nice environmental science center which I had hoped to spend the last few weeks of the semester teaching at, instead of doing it in a school the whole time. I wanted the outdoors again. Now I'm stuck in Blahsville for the whole semester because the person who was supposed to handle things like this hasn't even bothered to reply to the lengthy email I sent before Christmas. I'm terribly disappointed in the system yet again and I can't stand relying on these people for another semester in order to get my degree when I feel like I've just been pushed around and stepped on and asked to fill out forms in triplicate for the amusement of some invisible higher-up.

I'm seriously considering throwing in the towel and saying "Screw you, higher education", driving as far as I can get on what's left in my bank account and hitchhiking the rest of the way to Mexico to ask for asylum there. If I could do that, do you think they'd come after me for defaulting on my student loans? I'm so tired of bureaucracy in all its forms, and I feel so helpless. I HATE feeling helpless. I can't stand it. I need to be able to do something for myself even if that something is choosing to stay in bed all day. At least it's my choice... but no, I get no choices when it comes to IUP or any other company I've dealt with (because yes, the university is a company, and it's out to make money just like everyone else. I'm tired of it and I'm frustrated by it and I don't know what else I can do but try to pretend that the world is wonderful because all of my ranting and throwing myself ineffectually against the things I don't like isn't doing anyone any good, and I'm only one tiny (if opinionated) person.

BFSG!

That's right folks, it's time for the NaNoWriMo equivalent to New Years' Resolutions: The Year of Doing Big, Fun, Scary Things Together. Want to learn to pilot a plane? Get your house clean? Finally lose that last nagging 5 pounds? Improve your tennis game? Get in on the action with the same lovable people who brought you National Novel Writing Month and Script Frenzy for this year's Big Fun Scary Things. You know you want to, and what better way to start than with a worldwide support group?

My Big, Fun, Scary Goals for this year are:

1) Get up on time.
2) Spend at most 3-4 hours per day on the internet, including over weekends and breaks. Oh, this one will hurt.
3) Attend at least one job fair and apply for at least three separate jobs by the time I graduate in May.
4) Apply for 3 grad schools by the end of January.
5) Exercise twice a week - my choice of yoga, running, bicycling (riding to campus and back doesn't count), swimming, and weight lifting. If it goes well, increase to 3 times a week by the end of the year.
6) Find and buy a house under $75k. Make it work out with my new job placement.
7) Wedding plans. Need I say more?
8) When I have a job, put away $50 every month (if possible) toward buying something nice.
9) Take the PA MSF course.
10) Keep one room in the apartment (probably the kitchen) CLEAN. Dishes washed and put away, laundry not left in the washer/dryer, table cleared off, stove clean, floor mopped and vaccuumed, fridge cleaned out regularly and bills in the caddy. If possible, spread clean-ness to other rooms!

I posted it on the forum, I'm posting it here, and when I get back to PA I'll post it on my wall. It will stare at me until I finish every last goal and check them off with a fat red Sharpie. I'll be updating my progress in this thread if you'd like to keep track of me, goad me on, yell silly things as you fly by on the wave of your own new goals, or just feel like some time-wasting reading: Mossy's Personal Goals Checklist. Don't let me forget to update!

Bits of frustration...

(From an IRC chat log)

[faerunner] [jen] Faerunner, one of the things about kids; they hate being treated like children.
[faerunner] I know, I was one ;p
[faerunner] I try not to but it's hard in a classroom - you can't expect them to know everything or even control themselves quite as well so you sometimes HAVE to direct them like they're still toddlers
[faerunner] especially with this group - if they were more capable of independent action I'd not mind so much but they are like puppies still when I try to get them to work on things without me - all of them need individual attention and they all need it NOW
[faerunner] It's frustrating to me
[faerunner] I can't be 25 places at once
[faerunner] and I can't explain to all of them because once you lose their attention, unless they ask you for something, they won't listen at all.
[jen] There are always ways and means. Dangle a carrot and when you have and they reach for it, hit them with clean cold logic
[jen] If they are that attention hungry, I wonder how much they get from their parents.*
[faerunner] It's a poor area - parents might care but not have time for the kids (lots of them work full time and a few are 40+ hours a week for sure)
[faerunner] And I know at least two are from broken families, a few more are just emotionally immature for various reasons (asperger's, general lack of social skills, apathy)
[faerunner] And Jen, I can't dangle carrots because no one carrot applies to the whole class, and I have no time nor energy these days for individualizing 'carrots' for every kid, even if I had the skill and experience to do so
[faerunner] I'm still learning, remember
[faerunner] :p
[ss] You... enjoy working with kids? :<
[faerunner] I mean, I'm sure I could say "oh hey, you can't have recess today if you don't do your work" but that only works so many times
[faerunner] and "I'll give you candy" doesn't work because I don't have any
[faerunner] :p
[faerunner] Ss: Yes, on some level
[ss] Sounds like a total nightmare. :O
[faerunner] I'm just constantly running up against walls put up by bureaucracy.
Or by parents.
And it's like... I would LOVE to teach what the kids want to learn, when they want to learn it, and show everyone just how awesome learning can be, but the curriculum says this and the administrators say that and the school year is too short for that other thing...
[faerunner] :/
[faerunner] I like the -idea- of teaching and learning. The reality sucks most days.
* Jen needs to write the syllabi and incorporate "responsible decision making with a focus on having children or not"
[ss] Hmm. I understand what you're saying, to a certain extent.
[ss] Makes sense.
[faerunner] There is a serious need for education reform in this world
[faerunner] No one seems to have gotten it right.
* Faerunner shrugs and goes back to editing her lesson plans for tomorrow so the substitute can be expected to make himself useful
[jen] Doing it on a personal basis is not going to work, for there are many that can follow the script but few whom have the initiative or drive to write them, market and stand by them.
[ss] >_<
[faerunner] I seem to have turned this channel into an ongoing commentary on the quality of American education. I apologize ;p
[faerunner] I should be cranky in my blog instead

Somehow despite all of my "experience" with kids I still can't organize 11-year-olds well enough to get them through a 40-minute lesson in less than an hour. Is it just this class, this age group, or is it me?

Happy Halloween, WBC!

I don't normally appreciate the American justice system but this brought a smile to my face:

A jury has decided to essentially bankrupt the Westboro Baptist Church.

As much as I believe in freedom of speech, this "church" has been preaching hateful propaganda on people's front lawns for far too long, and I'm pretty sure that this kind of speech is not what we want to protect. Reverend Fred Phelps is very... "fervent" in his beliefs and I'd appreciate seeing him put on his knees for once. He seems to have forgotten humility in the war he's fighting against homosexuality, abortion, cohabitation, and just about everything else under the sun. His armada of web pages include godhatescanada.com (all of Canada! For passing anti-hate legislation), godhatessweden.com (what has Sweden ever done?), and godhatesamerica.com (don't visit this one if you have any conscience because it will probably drive you to want to put a stake through Mr. Phelps). His children seem to be brainwashed and never given the opportunity to think for themselves - at the age of five they are holding signs that they can not even explain the meaning of yet (or if they can it's clearly been coached). It's disturbing on a humanitarian level, because of the sheer amount of hatred and "holier-than-thou" attitude the church members have (some of them remind me of overly smug Pomeranians), but also to me on a personal level because of the sheer amount of things these people are against that I see no issue with, and how little they have done as a group to help their fellow man (and isn't that in the Bible?).

Apparently even the first $2.9 million in compensatory damages (not including the other $8mil in punitive damages awarded) is three times the net worth of the entire "church". Something tells me I should feel guilty for feeling so satisfied with this ruling, but the rest of me is screaming "TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!" and cheering madly, which has of course drowned out any guilt quite thoroughly.

Thinking cheap

I've just discovered something that shouldn't have been a surprise at all: the "non-printable", "do not use these in inkjet or laser printers" transparencies that I bought actually do work for printing. At least, the one I printed looks good so far. It remains to be seen how well it actually shows up on an overhead projector, but I won't know that until tomorrow during my lesson.

When I first went looking for transparency sheets I expected that they'd just be one kind of all-purpose sheet, not one kind for laser printers and another for inkjets and another for both kinds of printers together (one kind on each side!) and yet another kind just for writing on! (How naive of me, you're all saying now. Any teacher should know that there are half a dozen different kinds!) I also expected that I'd be able to afford them. Oops! At $30 a box, I could only afford to pick up one box of transparencies and since they don't seem to come in a "writeable AND printable" variety (why not?!) I grabbed the writeable ones. I scribble on things more than I print anyway, right? Well, I needed to print out a topographical map for the contour maps lesson I'm teaching tomorrow and I realized I couldn't afford to spend $30 for the convenience of a single inkjet transparency (they come in boxes of 100, but I only need one). So, I did the typical cheap thing and went to see if my regular write-on transparency paper would suffice. It does.

The sources online told me that the ink would smear terribly, that it would dot up and not flow smoothly, and that it would turn my printer into an ink-dripping mess. Apparently the sources aren't familiar with our particular inkjet printer, because aside from a bit of dotting up which I can't see unless I squint, the transparency matches up perfectly with the paper version I printed. The borders and print are as clear as they're going to get, considering the map source (No offense to the USGS but most contour maps were not designed to be scanned and put online). I'm sure at some point I'll run into problems printing on "non-printable" transparency paper, but sometimes, it pays to think cheap.

Now if I could only figure out how to get my lesson plans written without wasting so much time, I'd be all set...

Incompetence!

Fae is sick of people lately. I have a co-worker who can't take directions from anyone on the same pay scale as her, we have to deal with a library employee who thinks it's her jurisdiction to work out schedules for security when she is only head of circ/reserve, my boss just got fired, my new boss is unknown but our department supervisor hasn't been spotted (at least by me) yet and our slightly more direct supervisor hasn't contacted us at all... I can't log in to submit my payroll hours so I can get a check in 2 weeks, and haven't gotten a check yet so this friday will be my first since the semester started, and I'm so tired of people not using turn signals that I swear I'm going to start carrying a loaded dart gun and shooting at their taillights next time I see someone doing it.

I am tired of full-grown, "educated", fully functioning adults who by all medical definitions are in their right minds acting like they have no idea what the words "Responsibility", "Teamwork", and "Planning" mean. There is no reason for any of this to have happened. My boss should still be here, the nosy other boss should be minding her own business, the co-worker could very easily make that little bit of effort to be here on time and the turn signals? Not even going there. No one's perfect but people around me are making mistake after mistake after mistake and not even apologizing for it, and it's driving me up a wall. I'm reasonable, but not after you've walked in late for the fifth time this semester with your cell phone to your head, and not done any of your work all night.

And to the co-worker who will never see this:
You are not a solo entity. Grow up. Learn to follow directions and work as a team. I was not ordering an inquest into your personal life, I was expressing concern that you weren't doing your job. And you're not. So I'm going to talk to someone about it, and if they decide to fire you, then good. If they don't I expect an improvement in your behavior. Yes, I did take a "management" role for a few days while no one knew what to expect. Excuse me for wanting things to run smoothly. I, like most people, enjoy it when something goes smoothly. But you, in your infinite self-worth, think I'm not high enough on the chain of command to ask where you were after you came in late yet again and told me that "no one comes in that early". I come in that early. So does at least one other co-worker. No one, to my knowledge, was told we could come in late, or the schedule should have been changed to reflect that. So please, either actually do your job, or I will gladly write you a reference for a new one, because I will not work with someone who puts their cell phone above their work.

And to the other co-worker, who is also coming in late or not at all (although I know you are busy with many other things): Give us a call when you're not coming in, ok? Please? I really don't want to have to tell our supervisor that you are pulling no-shows when you promised you would be here. I like you more than I like her, but that doesn't excuse your behavior and I'm starting to think I should complain about you too.

I'm a bit cranky, don't mind me. The weather's getting cold again, I'm tired, my wisdom teeth come out next week because the dentist re-scheduled me, the rent is due and there's just so much posturing going on around here that I want to scream. Why is it that groups of human beings are so inefficient unless controlled every step of the way?

I'm glad I'm going to be a librarian. Books don't have pissing wars.

"They had some pathetic translators"

Debate, en Español.

When I read the headline I had a fleeting hope that at least one of our leading politicians actually spoke to the public in fluent Spanish - but apparently the public isn't ready to accept bilingualism quite yet:
"The anchors asked questions in Spanish that were translated into English for the candidates. Answers were translated into Spanish for viewers.
Candidates had to provide their answers in English, a restriction criticized by New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, a fluent Spanish speaker whose mother is Mexican."

Personally, while I'm glad they're actually paying attention to the fact that many people of hispanic ancestry can and do vote, it feels more like the politicians are targeting another niche crowd rather than actually catering to the needs and wants of one of the most rapidly growing ethnic groups in the US.
"Though polls show that education and health care are bigger priorities than immigration for most Hispanic voters, anchors focused many of their questions on Congress' failed attempt to overhaul the country's immigration laws. All candidates pledged to promote an immigration overhaul in their first year of office."

What also irks me is the fact that so many people in this country still haven't accepted the fact that a lot of us actually -like- speaking two languages and welcome the opportunity for greater political and social diversity that hispanic culture can bring.
""This is a very, very bad precedent," said David Caulkett, vice president of Floridians for Immigration Enforcement and a Pompano Beach resident. "It's already difficult to keep track of politicians in English. ... [English] is the official language of Florida and the de facto language of our country."

Caulkett praised the decision of Republican candidates not to take up Univision on its offer of a Spanish-language Republican debate. Only Sen. John McCain accepted the invitation, while other candidates said they had scheduling conflicts."

...is it just me, or does that sound like a pompous, protected, WASP-ish asshole to you? Seriously, while I respect the fact that most of the East Coast at least was settled by English-speaking settlers and that we already have a "rich and varied" history, Florida and most of the southwest was in the hands of the Spanish (and the native americans) long before we moved into Miami, and I see no reason for the United States to continue to ignore such a beautiful, rich, and large, geographically speaking, part of its heritage. Even Puerto Rico, which is technically a part of the US and which has a huge spanish-speaking population, is typically ignored. Considering how many Mexican immigrants alone we have living in this country and contributing to its welfare (and paying taxes! le gasp!), I for one am glad to welcome anyone who wants in and is willing to work like most of the rest of us do.

Getting the Hispanic (or other minority) vote is one thing. Following up on that vote by supporting programs that will open more bilingual schools for new immigrants, support legal immigration routes (thus detracting from the draw of the illegal ones) and allow people who want to be here a chance to stay is what I want to see. I'd also like to see some more globally-minded thinking in schools so that the promise of future generations isn't stunted by ethnocentrism - IE, get away from the "Dead White Men" curriculum (yes, it's useful as a teaching base, but it's limiting nonetheless and should be supplemented), start teaching languages (not only Spanish but French, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese and others) at much earlier ages to encourage bilingual learners, implement better programs for immigrants like having them work with Habitat for Humanity to build their own housing or giving them cheap workshops on English, how to get a job, etc to help them get by. And yes, I would gladly pay taxes toward government-funded programs that supported immigration and assimilation in certain ways. Better yet, I'd volunteer for those programs and give it my all to help the newcomers learn.

I'd volunteer to teach all the adult ESL classes I could handle if the government would back me up by saying "Hey, it's ok to be new here, let's see what we can do for you!" instead of "Go back to Mexico, terrorist job-stealing scum!" But as usual, reality and practicality don't enter into politics often enough for anyone outside of them, and for every step forward one state takes in terms of welcoming the outside world, the others or the federal government will be here to take two or three paranoid steps back. Screw national security for once, and "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." - terrorists aren't likely to strike in the same fashion twice if they know what's good for them anyway, and if someone wants in that badly, they'll come from the angle you weren't expecting, not the one you're building a fence along.

It's been a "productive" week. I've spent the last 3 days in a workshop reviewing job-finding techniques, resumes, personal statements, graduate school applications and generally how to make my life go in the direction I want it to go in. My peers and I (about 40 of us, mostly seniors or super-seniors), finished up the seminar with an hour-long presentation to the incoming honors college freshmen. They seemed so... taciturn, as they sat there quietly taking in what we had to tell them. I remember when I was a freshman and how overwhelmed I was by the waves of information that orientation weekend brought, but these ones seemed more than overwhelmed.

I worry about the new students here. I wonder if they'll have a productive first semester, if they'll drop out, if they'll join clubs and make friends and support each other. It's not because I know they'll be supporting me some day (the next generation will be doing that), but because they'll be working with me some day. They're the people who I may end up relying on. I want them to be successful, not apathetic. But there were very few questions asked of us, and very few laughs, and it felt overall more like a lecture that we were forcing them to sit through than a lot of useful advice headed their way.

It makes me wonder where we're all headed. Time is a frightening concept.

Well, I can't sleep despite getting up at 7:30am yesterday morning and having another early morning in 6 hours, and I'm pissed off, so here's a late-night rant.

As some of you have probably heard, Act 114 was put into place in PA this year - a mandate which as of April 1, 2007 requires all prospective employees of a school district, including student teachers, to have a full set of fingerprints submitted to the FBI for a Federal Criminal History check before being allowed to set foot in a school building, bus or other related area. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT. I'm gonna say that word again, 'cause I like it. BULL. SHIT.

The law already requires me as a student teacher to keep two clearances updated yearly - the state Child Abuse History clearance (Act 151) and the state police Criminal Record Clearance. Both cost $10 per check no matter how many times you've submitted and come back clean before, and the fingerprinting, although supposedly one-time only, costs $40. I had to pay over a week's worth in food and gas money this year toward getting clearances which I personally find annoyances at best and unnecessary at worst. I'm unaware of any other state's codes regarding this, unfortunately, or I'd rant about everywhere else, too... but the fact is that in PA, they seem to think that "Think of the children!" means "Inconvenience the teachers!".

I've already submitted myself to the fingerprinting station once. The operator of the scanning equipment on site (it's optical, and it'll pick up all the dirt and grease you put on it, but it won't take a fingerprint scan worth beans, apparently) had to re-scan ALL of my fingers 4 times each just to get the program to take the "best ones" from each scan. The "entire fingerprint capture process should take no more than three to five minutes." BULLSHIT! 15-20 minutes is too long to be rolling my fingers around on a glass plate. Especially -and this is the part I'm really pissed about- because the FBI returned my fingerprints as UNREADABLE less than 2 weeks after their submission. Now, I'm glad they took their heads out of their asses long enough to give me a prompt (if soggy, because the mailman left the letterbox open in the rain again) reply, but I don't have the time to go in for a re-try, and if the scanning process hasn't changed my fingerprints aren't going to come out any better this time. They only give you one free re-scan, too. If they reject your prints a second time, you pay for the third and all subsequent re-scans. Personally I don't care about that kind of situation if it doesn't happen regularly but from what the scanner told me, this has happened to several people and it's the start of the school year already. If I were student teaching this semester and didn't actually have a few weeks (maybe) to finish the process, I'd be ripping my hair out.

So, rescans have to be done. I have a workshop this week, Thursday through Saturday, 9-4. With my sleep patterns as sporadic as they've been this summer it's hard enough getting up and going at 7:30 without having to go elsewhere but I want the re-fingerprinting over with fast, so I went in this morning (yesterday morning by now) at 8:30 to re-scan. The computer operator types like crap and the re-scan number is really long... and the scanning program won't take my SSN. The error it threw back completely baffled the operator, who (no offense) doesn't seem to know the second thing about computers (she knows the first - if it doesn't work, turn it off and turn it back on again!). She tried logging out and back in. No change (well, DUH!). She tried rebooting the computer. Same error. She tried looking up my info to make sure my SSN was right the first time (it was). After half an hour (I'm now running slightly late to my be-there-on-time-or-make-a-bad-impression workshop) I told her flat-out that I HAD to go. Then she told me that despite the fact that the error (something to the effect of "Unused ssn not located") indicated that the computer was trying to submit me a new, individual record instead of re-scanning over the old matching one, which seems like a program issue to me, the real issue was that my ID number issued by Cogent for the re-scan didn't match my SSN, as if this were so obvious, and that I had to call them myself to get that figured out.

...when, exactly, will I find time for this, and how are they supposed to help me without the actual goddamn error message being read to them so they know what's going wrong? I have never worked in tech support but I know very well that calling and saying "Hi, your program told me something about my SSN and won't let me rescan" won't get me very far unless they're familiar with the error already. Plus, I'm not an employee or anyone who has access to the system to fix it, so any instructions they give me won't help, unless the problem really is what the operator says (doubtful, but with my luck their system actually didn't update or something happened to my record, and won't get fixed for weeks, and nothing I do will help anyway).

As for the fingerprinting process itself- there's a little ink-box type container on the desk in the fingerprinting room which is labeled something like "Fingerprinting prep solution" but no one has even -looked- at it when I've been there. I thought about asking whether they should be using it but I get the impression they'd tell me they didn't know how. On top of that the scanner's glass is covered in other people's fingerprints and grease, and when they clean it, it usually leaves fine smears on the glass which make my fingerprints even harder to read. Then of course it's very touchy about where on the huge surface you're allowed to put your finger to get it within a tiny box, and how hard you press, and if you shift your finger even a millimeter when you're not supposed to it beeps at you and you have to re-start the scan.

I'm sorely tempted to find some ink and a sheet of clean paper and do my prints myself. I'll mail them in to Cogent with a note saying that if they want me to be fingerprinted again with an optical scanner it damn well better be so precise it can pick up my pores, and it better do it right the first time. I'll also tell them that their fingerprint station operators are numbskulls and that $40 is an absurd price to pay for a poorly set up computer system in a back office and this much stress. I'll also write a letter to my local representatives asking them who the fuck passed this piece of crap legislation.

"Think of the children" is a bullshit excuse to impose legislation on media and behaviors that people should be able to handle on their own, like video game ratings of "Mature" (parents should be reading about the games their kids play!) or radio programming (if you know what's on, and you don't like it, CHANGE THE CHANNEL). I don't care how many more child predators they think they're going to catch by submitting prints to a federal database as well as the state one. If an offender isn't registered they're not likely to be caught by a set of fingerprints and if they are you probably already knew since they have to register! As far as other crimes go, I'm not convinced that it's in the best interest of the children to piss off or drive away prospective teachers, counselors, administrators and bus drivers. If I have to pay for a third re-scan I can tell you right now I'm not going to student teach. I'll change my major and find something else to do that does not require fingerprinting but god damnit I don't see the necessity of it in the first place and after the thigh-deep bureaucratic bullshit I've been wading through since elementary school I've had just about enough. This is an incredibly upsetting move coming on the heels of NCLB and the other crap teachers have to deal with, and it makes me very, very worried about the health of the public educational system when parents have to use legislators as middle-men to keep teachers "in line" and "safe" instead of actually getting to know the teachers and the schools themselves.

..but parents are too busy lobbying for protection of the safety and "innocence" of their kids.

Ouch...

Well, my wisdom tooth on the lower left has been causing me some pain lately, but I have a dentist's appointment on Thursday so at least it's going to be taken care of. My wrist just started up again, too. Nothing to do there - can't afford to see a doctor and hear "RSI. Rest it and ice it." because I'm already pretty sure that's what it is, and there's really not much you -can- do other than use a brace, rest it and keep icing it. Since I've already got a brace of sorts and I've been resting it as much as I can considering the amount of time I have to spend on the computer for school work (not so much this summer, I admit I could get up and go outside more, but there's not much to do outside when one has no money), there's not much reason to see a doctor anyway.

On the positive side, I can cook! :D I found a thread in a forum I frequent polling the users about Ramen noodles and how they eat them, and in it there were some great ideas for turning boring Ramen into more exciting, tasty, and healthy soup. I decided to try it my own way today, since my tooth makes chewing a little difficult anyway. So I diced up a tiny bit of fresh garlic, added a pinch of mustard powder and some onion and dropped into the water as it heated. Then, added 3 dashes of soy sauce, brought to a boil, dropped in the Ramen, and 2 minutes in, broke an egg into the pot and mixed it in. The packet of seasoning came last, of course. The result? Delicious. I might try cooking more often. If anyone can find me the recipe book all about ways to cook and use Ramen, by the way, I'd love to have it...

Let's Get Political...

I spend a decent amount of time on YouTube (as opposed to an indecent amount) but somehow I missed a real gem, which the article below helpfully linked me to:

How Much Jail Time?

I have to ask my dear dedicated readers the same question, no matter which side of the debate you're on. The question is one I had honestly never thought of, although I've seen my share of debates and asked a few questions myself. However, the article strikes a chord: the debate has raged for quite a while without anyone on either side pinning down the final punishments. The video's responses both horrify and amuse me; "pray for them" might actually be a punishment in someone's eyes but it's certainly not a legal one in a nation where we (supposedly) have separation of church and state... and the judge can't say "I've never thought about punishment before." What gives?

California Dreamin'...

I was going to post another full couple of paragraphs about how bad things are, but I realized two things: one, you guys really don't want to or need to hear about my issues, half of which are self-inflicted anyway, and two, it's not like most of you (all 3 who probably look at this page on a semi-regular basis) would be able to help in any way. If you could I'd ask for money and a me-sized eggshell so I can pay my bills and then crawl in and not hatch till things were better with the world.


I haven't been keeping up with life outside my window, because the more news I read and the more lives I keep in contact with, the worse the overall situation seems. That scares me. I need a new news feed, something that only posts the feel-good stories like kittens being rescued from trees and who won the Kentucky Derby. Can anyone suggest one?

Can't get any worse...

(knock on wood)
middlesister* (7:21:47 PM): Hey. You know that stupid little sister of ours?

middlesister (7:21:57 PM): Yeah. That one. The cops just called.

middlesister (7:22:00 PM): .....

middlesister (7:22:01 PM): o.o

middlesister (7:22:40 PM): Anyway, since you're not on I'll just let you know all that I've been informed of. Which is trespassing and maybe something about alcohol.

Me (7:25:54 PM): ...isn't she still grounded?

middlesister (7:27:03 PM): Yeah.

middlesister (7:27:09 PM): She was grounded, and regrounded

Me (7:26:32 PM): Is mom home?

Me (7:26:35 PM): And is E home?

middlesister (7:27:16 PM): uh huh

middlesister (7:27:18 PM): and no

middlesister (7:27:27 PM): she's at la estacion de policia

middlesister (7:27:38 PM): correction

middlesister (7:27:44 PM): the cops just pulled in with her in tow

...So begins the worst hour I've had all year, and it comes the day after my $300 glasses lose a screw and have to be brought into the optometrist tomorrow to see if they're covered by warranty, I get home to find that my credit card bill was due on Friday and my bank account is empty, after a week up north forgetting that I had bills to pay and unable to print the loan application that will now take another two days to print and get in the mail and 2 weeks to get money from, at least, and to top it all off, we just got a cancellation notice from our insurance company because we owe them $400 too.

Please tell me life gets easier after college. Tell me that 15-year-olds are capable of reasoning once in a while. Remind me why I bother caring when all it gets me is disappointment. I'm frustrated and angry and worried and I'm not even her mother; I had so little to do with raising her especially the last few years... but I still care. God forbid my children ever do something so stupid.

*screen names changed, obviously

Babysitting?

Why is it that I never get the time to spend with kids until I'm already "busy"?

Today at work someone had brought her two lively children into the library with her, and let them run loose while she worked. While I can see that it's probably very tough to handle two kids and work at the same time, and no professor is going to take "I couldn't find a babysitter" as an answer, I think that it would've been nice if she had at least kept the kids occupied with something other than a tricycle and a baby doll...

So here I come walking on my rounds in the mostly empty library, and I decided that to be nice to everyone involved I'd take the kids over to the little, badly-equipped "playroom" in the corner of the media center. No one was in there, at least, so I wasn't worried about keeping the kids quiet (they knew to be quiet but they're 4 and 5, so I doubt they had been properly drilled in self-control. Shrieks happen!). They tossed the puppets around, pulled a few books off the shelves and didn't bother me one bit. The puppets are entirely soft, so throwing them wasn't an issue. They finally settled on a game of "hit the monkey" with the blow-up monkey hanging from the ceiling and the puppets as balls. For little kids they had great aim!

I finally brought them back to mom after half an hour... she had said they were going to leave when I came up to her the first time, but she had apparently been thankful for the time without the little ones and had kept working. I didn't mind at all but I didn't want to keep the kids any longer without letting her know. I felt bad for them, though. It was obvious that they were bored and I didn't want to leave them unsupervised, but mom knows best... :/

Stream of Consciousness At 6am.

Stayed up all night again. Sleep has been coming and going in very odd patterns lately, I'm mostly nocturnal and it's kind of funny because now the sun's up for so much longer, so by the time I get tired in late afternoon it's still beautiful outside and I feel guilty for sleeping.

My motivational level is at an all-time low and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I know that I have x, y, and z to do and that it'll take me 18+hours to do it all, and most of it's due, in a polished form, by Wednesday. I know that there's no logical way I'm going to be able to finish all of my homework, I've known all weekend that every hour I spent procrastinating was another hour later I'd have to stay up on Tuesday night, and possibly a few classes to skip on Monday. As if I can afford to skip another class. I really shouldn't, but I've lost the energy it takes to get up and walk out the door.

I should probably go lay in the sun for a bit. Maybe it would help. I miss Mexico insanely right now, and I can't help thinking that I don't even remember last semester because it went by so fast but all I remember of this one is being too busy to enjoy anything and missing places I'll probably never see again. I can't help but think that I'm on a one-way track to nowhere if I continue my education and employment here in the US and want to get the heck out, but there's nowhere to go. Canada's too close for comfort, despite free health care and a few friends already there. Mexico's no better than we are, they're having all kinds of political trouble and Americans tend to be wide-open targets for crimes in most areas. Finland sounds nice, haha... but I can't even afford to buy a coffee in Euros right now, with the dollar so low (and my bank account even lower, paying the rent this month will be next to impossible, and we still owe that $130 garbage fee have been putting off paying since January in hopes we'd be left alone).

I'm starting a garden, another one of my silly half-assed "this is going to make me look and feel productive!" projects. It's going to be a container garden, on the porch, which means I'll probably forget about it for weeks at a time this summer. Speaking of summer, I have no plans except the library so far, I'm not very interested in finding another job even though money will be very very very tight if I don't. I'm hoping for slightly more hours this summer than I've had this semester, and keeping my eyes open for a job that doesn't involve getting 3 references and fingerprinting. (.pdf file)

I'm sick and tired of life here. I don't have a productive job and my homework is seeming far more meaningless than usual, which is bad considering how little I usually think homework means. My classes aren't really that interesting. I want to go outside and start taking nature courses again, or something. Maybe I should have been a bio major. Hah.

I'm not sure whose expectations I'm trying to meet any more. My own are so half-formed and changing that I frustrate myself every time I try to think about what I really expect of myself. I know I don't really want to live up to my friends' expectations of me because as cool as my friends are, their expectations are not who I really am. I'm just not sure why or how I'm different.

Rick bought a BB pistol and I'm going to start shooting targets in the yard, if I ever actually get away from the computer. I think I should know how to shoot, just in case. Even a BB can hurt like hell at close range.

My wrist has developed a phantom itch. I'm allergic to cheap metal, but I haven't been wearing a watch for months, since my beautiful xmas gift broke and I haven't had the time nor money to get the strap replaced. Still, my left wrist has a few small bits of rash on it just like the ones that I get when I wear cheap metal, and it itches occasionally. The only thing I can think is that the skin's irritated from resting on the edge of my keyboard shelf. It's fake wood. I can't figure out why it'd make me itch unless there's some chemical in it. Either way I can't do much about it so I'm going to leave it alone and go do some more laundry so I have clean pants to wear to class this morning.